Feathery and Starts With an M
by SquishyCool
Summary: For Spencer, one night stands don't usually work out so well. And now we see why the poor guy can't keep a girlfriend... One-shot, mostly dialogue.


**Feathery and Starts With an M**

The rustling of keys echoes through the empty, darkened hallway, soon followed by the muffle of low voices and fabric rubbing against fabric.

"Hurry up," a low, female voice whispers, almost seductive.

"I am, I just… gah, these stupid keys! Okay, got it!" a male voice announces triumphantly, his words slightly slurred.

There's a click and the door swings open.

The quiet sound of two bodies frantically rushing through a door and closing it again fills the emptiness before leaving it back to its 3 a.m. peace.

Shoes click on wood, a sudden "Ow!" and the sound of someone helping someone else over a step they weren't aware of before nearly collapsing over it.

Soon, the click of a door shutting is the last sound to linger in the darkness of the empty apartment.

Inside the dark bedroom, only a sliver of moonlight creeps past the curtains, a flash of two different shades of ivory skin pressed together passing underneath it.

_Thump!_

Blankets and pillows are kicked to the floor, followed by high heels, sneakers, a skirt, a button-down shirt, a red blouse, a bra, a pair of jeans…

"Ouch!"

"Oh, sorry… gotta watch out for that."

"What… is that a plastic pig in your bed?!"

"Uh… yeah. Let's forget about it."

"Alright… Oh, I – fuck! What the hell? What just touched me?!"

"I-I don't know. You probably bumped the lamp or something. Just calm down."

"No, I'm not going to calm down! Do you have bugs or something in here? Do you collect lizards? You need to tell me these kinds of things before – OW!"

"What – I don't understand – "

"Something just POKED me! I feel like there is something else in this room besides you and me…"

"Okay, just… I have a cat. It – "

"No way. That is way too big to be a cat. I know what claws feel like."

"He's a _large_ cat."

"Bullshit. What the hell – "

"Oh, no…"

"OH. MY. GOD."

"Okay, listen, just… just don't, uh… don't freak out, okay? He won't hurt you, he just likes to bite people's pants sometimes. It's his way of saying 'hello, how are you? Nice to meet you.' I swear."

"No. No fucking way. You've gotta be kidding. Are you kidding? That thing's not real, right? It's some sort of auto matron?"

"What's an auto matron?"

"A type of robot. Like, one that moves around a – what the hell! Is that a _leash_ on its neck?!"

"Uh, yeah…"

"Okay, that's enough. I'm done. I can't do this."

"No, wait! Please… I'll put him in the bathroom if he bothers you."

"Are you serious right now? I'm completely out of the mood now, I just got bitten by a giant bird that doesn't even belong in the state of Washington, and I'm fairly drunk, making this situation a lot weirder than it would normally be!"

"Oh, c'mon… My meatball told me to buy him and once you buy it you can't return it! All sales are final, they said! I told them to just take the bird back, I didn't even care about the money, and they said, no way, you have to keep him. So-so I kept him and named him Marvin! He likes to look up videos on SplashFace, and-and he really likes drinking root beer and playing Jax with me. We've watched all the Galaxy Wars movies together, he's a really good friend, but sometimes I forget to put him away before I come home… Please, just give me another chance. I can get you back in the mood!"

"Wow. You are crazier than I thought."

"Wha – where're you going? No, don't pick up your – OH, NO! Marvin, put down her skirt! PUT IT DOWN!"

"WHAT THE FUCK?! GET MY SKIRT OUT OF THAT BIRD'S BEAK! I AM NOT GOING TO – "

"MARVIN! NO! DON'T EAT THE LADY'S SKIRT! You will NOT get any ice cream for the next three days if you swallow that! MAR-VIN! …Aww, no! Ohh…"

"Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. Seriously? Your giant bird just ate my fucking skirt? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? If it is, you'd better tell me right now, or I'm suing your ass."

"No, no, it's not! I swear! I just… he's out of control, okay?! He loves to eat things that are silky and taste like detergent."

"I'm leaving. Don't call me."

"Okay…"

The click of a door opening.

"And when that skirt comes out… keep it."

The slam of a door shutting angrily.

And finally, an ostrich's squawk of triumph, and a sad, lonely man's groan of defeat.

**end.**

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A/N: **This is something that came to me out of nowhere around 6 in the morning. Took me maybe half an hour to write. I know, it's kinda random and out there, but I just thought... hey, what do you think would happen if Spencer brought home a one night stand and he still owned an ostrich that he kept in his room? And now we see why he can't keep a girlfriend. Review if you read it please!


End file.
